Safe Touch
Resources from Safely Ever After Inc.
Prevention Tips
1. Pay attention to anyone who continually insists on one-on-one access to your child, which does not include you, particularly if it involves helpful favors or special treatment. Ask yourself: “Does this make sense?”
2. Put out a “visible vibe” that you are an engaged parent. Child abusers often ‘select’ their target by watching a family’s dynamic or parenting style.
3. Replace the word “stranger” with “tricky person”: It’s not what someone looks like, it’s what they say or want to do with a child that makes them unsafe or “tricky”.
4. A tricky person can be someone you know well, don’t know at all, or know just a little bit. Anyone who tries to get a child to break their safety rules or hurt their body is not okay.
5. Listen to your child. If they don’t want to be around a particular person, such as a babysitter, relative, or family friend, don’t force them. They may be getting a “red flag” signal that you are unaware of.
6. Be mindful of settings where older children have a lot of privacy with younger children. Keep doors open, especially during playdates.
7. Practice personal safety strategies with your kids: what would they do if they were lost in a store? What would they say if someone asked them for directions or assistance?
8. Do not write your child’s name on the outside of any personal belongings such as a backpack or jacket.
9. Say something if you are clearly uncomfortable about someone’s actions or behavior. Even a statement such as “I’m just not comfortable with that…” can be enough to warn a potential abuser that you are paying attention to them.
10. The “Uh-Oh feeling”: trust your instincts and let your child know it’s okay for them to trust theirs.
11. Establish a straightforward family rule: No secrets allowed, especially if it involves “Private parts” or “Uh-Oh” touches. It’s always okay to tell!
12. Let children decide for themselves how they want to express affection. Do not force them to hug or kiss another person.
13. Spend time with your kids. Children who are starved for attention can be especially vulnerable to a predator’s tricks.
14. Volunteer at your child’s school or other activities. Know who the people are who are interacting with your children.
15. Develop strong communication skills with your child so that they will feel safe coming to you if something is bothering them.
16. Teach safety concepts in a loving, easy-going manner. Scare tactics can make a child fearful and are not necessary.
Red Flags & Warning Signs
A sex offender continually seeks ACCESS AND PRIVACY with their intended target as part of their manipulation and grooming process. In addition, there are often other red flag warning signs and behaviors to indicate that someone may not be a safe choice around your child. Use common sense, monitor certain relationships that others have with your child, particularly if there are indicators that give YOU an “Uh-Oh Feeling” or just don’t seem right. Best advice for parents:
PAY ATTENTION TO WHO IS PAYING ATTENTION TO YOUR KID!
Possible Red Flags include:
Someone who continually tries to arrange time alone with a child, often with lots of reasons or excuses which exclude you
Someone who repeatedly befriends one “outstanding” child, singling them out, lavishing them with extra attention, praise, gifts, affection
Someone frequently offering favors to “help you out”; i.e. babysitting for free, transporting a child to activities, free lessons, or taking kids on overnight trips without their parents
Someone who uses guilt tactics when the child or parent insists on setting boundaries or limits
Someone who insists on being physical with a child (hugging, kissing, tickling, wrestling, lapsitting), even when the child does not want this physical attention
Someone who makes inappropriate comments about a child’s looks or body, particularly sexualizing a child
Someone who continually invites children to spend time alone at their home, enticing them with the latest video or computer games, toys, gadgets, etc. – especially an adult who does not have children of their own
Someone who repeatedly ignores social, emotional, or physical boundaries or limits and seems to have no boundaries of their own
Someone who frequently enters a bathroom or locker room where children are changing or showering and does not respect a child’s need for privacy
Someone who prefers to spend most of their free time with children and seems to have no interest in age-appropriate relationships or friendships
Someone who appears especially preoccupied with one child
Someone who seems “just too good to be true”
Someone who insists on closed doors and an unobservable environment whenever they are with your child
Someone who seeks to isolate the child from others
Someone who treats a child as if he or she were older
Someone who offers expensive gifts or money to a child for no reason
Someone who undermines a parent’s authority by allowing children (especially pre-teens) to engage in behaviors or activities that a parent does not allow
Someone who frequently engages in accidental touching, touching games, or invades a child’s personal space
Someone who frequently volunteers to rescue a single parent, stepping in and taking care of parental duties, suggesting they can be a “role model” for the child
Someone who offers to teach lessons to a child for free as a favor to the parent, when they would normally be paid for this job
Someone who uses secrecy or tries to create a special/secretive relationship with one child
The Super 10, Play-it-Safe Rules for Kids and Grownups!
1. I AM THE BOSS OF MY BODY!
2. I know my name, address and phone number… and my parents’ cell phone number, too.
3. Safe Grownups Don’t Ask Kids for Help. (They should ask other adults for assistance).
I shouldn’t “help out” people I don’t know who ask me: to help find a lost pet, to carry their packages, or for any other assistance that may put me in an unsafe situation. (When in doubt, ask your safe adult before helping!!)
4. I never go ANYWHERE or take ANYTHING from someone I don’t know… no matter what they say.
5. I always CHECK FIRST and get permission before: I go anywhere, get into a car, change my plans, or accept some kind of treat, even if it’s from someone I know. If I can’t CHECK FIRST, then the answer is NO.
6. “My PRIVATE PARTS ARE PRIVATE, THEY BELONG ONLY TO ME!” I am allowed to say: NO! or STOP TOUCHING ME!… even to an adult or an older kid.
7. I don’t have to be too POLITE if someone makes me feel scared, uncomfortable or just plain yucky!
8. I don’t keep SECRETS from my parents, especially one that involves my body or any kind of uncomfortable touch. It’s always OKAY to TELL! (There’s a difference between a “secret” and a “surprise”.)
9. Tricky people can be someone I know or don’t know. It’s not what they look like… it’s how they ACT, what they say or want me to do. I won’t get tricked!
10. I will always pay attention to my own inner voice, especially if I get an “uh-oh” feeling.
The Hot Chocolate Talk
One of the most powerful ways to protect kids from sexual abuse is talking to your child about personal safety. The Committee for Children call this conversation a "Hot Chocolate Talk" because they encourage you to "get cozy" and comfortable.
"A mug of hot chocolate or another treat might help create a cozy atmosphere. Remember, kids will follow your lead. Approach the subject of personal safety matter-of-factly, just as you would any other safety topic."
To read their entire guide and download a copy for yourself, click here.
Miles is the Boss of His Body
by Samantha Kurtzman-Counter and Abbie Schiller
In this story, it's Miles' birthday and throughout the day, he is uncomfortable with how people are touching his body - his grandpa pinches his cheek too hard, his dad gives him a noogie, his mom hugs him too tight. Use this book to read with your child and ask questions along the way.
"Look at Miles' face and body for clues - how is he feeling?"
"Is he feeling comfortable or uncomfortable?"
"What should Miles do or say?"
"Miles asked ______ to stop. What should _______'s response be?"
At the end of the book, Miles finds his assertive voice and reminds his family (and the readers) that he is the boss of his body and he gets to decide who touches him and how.
Teaching Assertiveness
Conscious Discipline: Teaching Children to Use Their Big Voice
To read the full article, click here for English and click here for Spanish
COACHING CHILDREN
Conscious Discipline’s approach to tattling starts with empowering the child to reflect on the question, “Did you like it?”
When a child comes to you with their upset, it’s important to be present with them and listen for their “voice.” Is it passive, aggressive or assertive?
Once you’ve identified the child’s “voice,” it’s time to coach them to find their Big Voice. Let’s practice now!
The child comes to you and says, “Sophie took my toy.”
You say, “Did you like it?”
The child says, “No!” (Remember to assess the child’s voice when they answer.)
You: “Tell Sophie, I don’t like it when you take my toy.” (If the child’s voice sounds passive or aggressive, you may tell them, “Match your voice to mine.”)
Child: “Sophie, I don’t like it when you take my toy.”
And here is where we often don’t get the child over the finish line. This is where we mess it up and leave the child with the upset. It’s also where we fail to send the other child a message about what to do instead.
Instead, let’s take the extra steps to get these children over the finish line!
FINAL STRETCH: GETTING CHILDREN OVER THE FINISH LINE
It’s imperative that we coach the child in explaining how they want to be treated by their friend. They tend to get stuck in, “I don’t want her to take my toy,” or, “I don’t want him to push me.”
Here’s your language:
“So, you want your friend to ask for a turn” or, “So, you want your friend to say, Move over.”
Here, you can also ask the friend:
“Are you willing to ask for a turn?” or, “Are you willing to say, Move over?”
Big Life Journal: 5 Steps for Raising Assertive Kids
To read the full article: click here for English & click here for Spanish.
If you want to raise strong and confident kids, teaching assertiveness is key. Assertive children know how to stand up for themselves (and others) without being hurtful or mean. They can say “no,” communicate clearly, and maintain positive relationships that meet their own needs as well as those of others.
“Assertiveness works in all situations, giving kids guidelines for navigating everything from the playground to the slumber party. It helps kids have healthy relationships and a solid self-esteem.”
-Margarita Tartakovsky, psychologist