Family Changes
Family Separation/Divorce
How to Tell Kids You're Getting a Divorce
Below is a summary from the Child Mind Institute. To read the full article, click here.
How to break the news
If possible, Dr. Howard recommends that both parents sit down together to calmly share the news of their divorce. To head off potential sources of conflict, both parents should agree ahead of time about what to say. This is a time when kids need to be reassured, and the best way to do that is to show your children that you are both still on the same team when it comes to parenting.
Deciding what to say
What you say will depend on the age and maturity of your child. You don’t want to overwhelm children with details, and it is generally better to let them ask questions rather than try to give them a lot of information they aren’t ready for.
A good rule of thumb is to avoid discussing financial settlements with children or sharing any information that makes one spouse look bad. You want to avoid any unnecessary conflict as much as possible to try to preserve a healthy parent-child relationship, which is very important for kids’ wellbeing.
How kids may react
Kids can react in many different ways to a divorce announcement. If there has been a lot of fighting in the home, some kids may actually feel relieved to hear about a divorce. But it is more common for kids to feel upset or even guilty. However your kids react, it is important to listen to them and take their concerns seriously, while making it clear that the divorce is not their fault, and that as parents you will do your best to help them feel secure and loved.
Supporting Kids During a Divorce
Below is a summary from the Child Mind Institute. To read the full article, click here.
Respect their emotions
One way to let kids know that it’s okay to feel upset or angry is to encourage them to share how they’re feeling. Dr. Samar recommends saying, “We want to know how you’re feeling about this, and you’re not going to hurt our feelings if you tell us how you feel.”
As part of respecting your child’s emotions, do your best to just listen and not intervene. It’s every parent’s instinct to jump in and protect their child from things that are painful, but divorce is inevitably painful. Taking a step back and just listening allows your child to feel heard and feel that her opinion matters. It also lets her know that her emotions aren’t a problem to be solved or “gotten over.” This requires careful listening and empathizing, which psychologists call “validation.”
What to expect, and how to respond
Guilt
It is common for kids to worry that they did something to cause their parents to get divorced, especially younger kids.
Anxiety
Divorce means some fundamental changes in routines, which can make many kids anxious. If you notice signs of anxiety in your children, one way to help is to make it very clear to children what they can expect. Children will be reassured if you are able to establish a consistent routine.
Behavior issues
Children may start acting out more, too. This may be another sign of anxiety or it may be out of a desire to figure out what the new boundaries are. Either way, creating a structured environment with clear expectations of behavior should help.
Regression
It is also common for kids to respond to a big transition in their lives by needing more parental attention. “Some kids will be needing more parental and adult support with things they used to be able to do independently,” says Dr. Samar. “You might see their sleep routine is disrupted or they’ll need you to do some self-care things for them a bit more than they used to.”
Withdrawing
Parents might also see the opposite — kids becoming more withdrawn or aloof. While giving children their space is important, you still want to create opportunities to spend time with them, so consider suggesting a special outing that may be particularly appealing or other ways to bond. Make sure, too, to do your best to be available to talk if your child wants to, and do a good job listening to what he has to say when he does.
If you notice that your child is losing interest in activities that he used to enjoy, or not wanting to spend time with friends, try to get him back on track. You want to help maintain a sense of normalcy, and these outlets are important. Wanting to withdraw may also be a sign of depression, adjustment disorder or school refusal, which are all linked to divorce, so you will want to keep an eye out if your child continues to avoid things.
Trouble focusing
Some kids may also start experiencing difficulty concentrating on school work. Life might be feeling very chaotic, so do your best to create predictable, reassuring routines at home, including a regular homework routine. It’s also a good idea to alert teachers to the fact that your family is going through a divorce, so that your child can get extra support at school if she needs it.
Good Parenting Tips During a Divorce
Model calm: As much as possible, you want to model “we’ve got this,” says Dr. Howard. “Even if it’s not true, even if only one parent has got this. Particularly if you have young children, then you get it to work.” Modeling calm and insulating children from conflict are important during this time. Likewise, try to maintain as much normalcy as possible with home life and extracurricular activities. When changes do need to be made, create new routines and try to stick to them.
Be civil about your ex: It’s not healthy for children to have unnecessary conflict in their relationships with their parents, so do your best not to speak negatively about your spouse around your child. “Someone could be a lousy spouse and a good parent,” notes Dr. Howard, “and you really don’t want to deprive your child of a good parent. Kids do better with two loving parents, divorced or married.”
Sometimes conflict can arise once you begin working out how to co-parent. You may need to make compromises or take turns making decisions. Whatever you do, try to present a united front to your child as much as possible. If your spouse really isn’t willing to be cooperative, do your best to set routines and expectations for your home, since you do have control over that.
Get support: Talk to your child’s school counselor or teacher to find out if there are any services available through the school.
Also, if you are struggling, make sure you are getting support for yourself. Talk to your friends and family if you are feeling overwhelmed and ask for favors if you need them. People often want to help out, but they don’t know what to do, so let them know if you need a hand with the groceries or just want to let off some steam. If you think you might benefit from talking with a therapist, don’t hesitate to make an appointment. Remember, you can best support your child if you are feeling supported, too.
Parenting Education Trainings
The Whatcom Dispute Resolution Center offers training for families:
Helping Children Through Family Changes
A 4.5 hour seminar for parents focusing on children's needs during separation, divorce, parenting plan development, and other family residential changes.
Managing Conflict as a Co-Parent
This course is designed to help divorces, separated and never married parents build skills to manage emotions, be heard, communicate effectively, and reduce co-parenting conflicts.
For more information on these classes, visit www.whatcomdrc.org/parenteducation